The Darkness Inside Me
by AGuideOnHowToCreateFeels
Summary: Loosely based on Nightmares by Chameleon Circuit. After A Town Called Mercy. The Doctor is running. With his memory coming and going in stages, and the two parts of his brain fighting, it is only a matter of time before he either gives in, or gives up. To the darkness. Canon pairings. Dark. T. Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who.
1. Chapter 1

"You can't escape them, Doctor. You can't run forever." Those words echoed through my head, as my feet pounded the earth. My chest felt like it was about to burst and my feet were beginning to ache. It felt as if all my years of running had been channelled into today. I wanted to stop, but I knew that if I did, He'd get me. Which shouldn't happen. Remorse filled the air, as I remembered my companions. Amy and Rory. I mentally cursed as I continued running. What had happened to them? My amnesia was getting slowly worse, I realised, as I managed a couple of painful breaths, not knowing where my friends were. I ran my hand through my now wet hair, trying to remember...

"Come on, Amy, Rory, where do you want to go?" I asked looking at them, as I worked the TARDIS, it's typical soft wheezing sound filling the control room. I stopped suddenly. I had to do it.  
"Doctor, what's the matter? It looks like you've just seen a ghost," Amy smiled joyously, coming up behind me  
"N-no" I breathed "Ghosts don't scare me, it'd be something else."  
"What *does* scare you, Doctor? You don't tend to get scared very easily. Your room at that hotel is the first time I've properly seen you scared," Rory said, looking at me worriedly. I turned to him  
"Permission?"  
He looked confused, but nodded "Yes, alright, why?" I gave him the 'obvious' look "Oh, yes. Sorry. I'll leave then." He nodded again curtly and walked off, whilst I turned to Amy and gave her a sudden embrace  
"I'm really sorry, Amy... I've already told Rory this..."  
"Told Rory what, Doctor?" She asked, pushing me away  
I sighed "That I'm scared about what will happen to you two if you stay with me. You know what I can be like. When we were in Mercy..."  
"Doctor..." Amy put her hands on my shoulders "I know what you're like, and have known for a long time now. For God's sake, Doctor, your impact on our lives has been colossal, you got us, singlehandedly, back together when we thought that we couldn't go on. I've known your darkness, and what you're capable of, despite how I don't like it. Everyone has their darkness, and obviously yours would be higher..."  
"Amelia. I can't deal with this anymore," I opened the door, revealing their house, and Rory's car. "You need to leave... For your own safety, really." I could barely believe that I was uttering those words.  
"Are you finished?" Rory asked, entering the control room again. I sighed, nodded, and pushed them out of the TARDIS, muttering about how necessary this was.

* * *

_Ah, so that was it. I'd left them. But why?_ I continued thinking, my hearts beginning to hurt. Ah, it was all coming back now.  
(This must be a side effect, the coming and going of your memory.)  
I shook the thought away. _A side effect of what?_  
(Reminisce. Reminiscing helps you forget the harsh reality and current situation.)  
I nodded, breathlessly, agreeing with the deep thought, seemingly placed there by an unknown source. What was it? I ignored the doubt, and continued trying to remember.

'He has actually decided! The Time Lord has agreed to succumb to the darkness! We will have him in our power!' I rubbed my head, hearing dark, gloating voices inside it 'He will come to us, now!'  
Listening to the voices, I breathed in deeply, closed my eyes, and let my subconscious control my movements, and show me where to go. The TARDIS make a grating noise as I neared The Place. I patted the central column lightly.  
"Nearly there, old girl. Then you'll never have to do this again. This silly old man's had enough, he's going to give in to the temptation." She clearly stuttered, as she tried to navigate away, but I gritted my teeth and held the switches in place, so that she wouldn't flick them back again. "Come *on*, this *has* to be done." I was plummeted into darkness, as the TARDIS landed.  
"Come on, dear. *Please*, I need, to do this."  
The TARDIS' lights flickered on for a second, and then back off  
"TARDIS! I *know* you don't want me to do this, but I *have* to." The doors locked themselves from the outside. I stroked them, genuinely upset with what I had to do "I- I can't control it anymore. That's why Amy and Rory are at their house. You *know* what happened before." I looked sadly around what I'd done to her earlier, and, using the sonic, unlocked the doors and pulled myself out, before she registered what I'd done.


	2. Chapter 2

Succumbing to the darkness, what did that *mean*? What had I done that had made Amy and Rory leave so easily? Remembering *did* help forget about my current situation, but it also made me slow down.  
'Slowing helps, though. You can face your nightmares easily.'  
(Go away! Get out! Come on, Doctor, you have survived so many years without doing this, don't give up now!)  
I inhaled and exhaled deeply, leaving my brain to fight itself, and concentrated more on just staying alive.  
(No! You have to fight it!)  
'And die. Either give in and stay alive, or fight and die. Your choice.'  
(Remember. Remember *why* you have to fight it, and *why* you are running.)  
I nodded at the small, quiet, but very determined voice in my head. If I remembered, I would have more chance of... Surviving. It made sense in *my* head, anyway. Logic away, it was time to rely on my instincts, which were to remember *what* I'd done, and *where* I'd gone.

I stumbled out of the TARDIS, looking around the darkness. It certainly wasn't Earth, I could feel it. If Amy was here, she'd question where we were, and look confused when I couldn't answer.  
"But you brought us here!" She'd mutter, and then start ranting about what the TARDIS had done. I sighed, and realised that I was going to have to start licking the ground, if the TARDIS wouldn't let me in. I looked both ways, bent down, and licked the earth once, coughing in disgust at the taste  
"Ah. Must be Veseletra." I realised, trying to get the foul taste out of my mouth quickly. "The most disgusting, vile planet in the universe." I commented, my brain now a subconscious Sat-Nav, showing me where I was to be going to meet him. I passed a dark forest with trees that seemed to reach ten foot tall at their highest point, and moved. Like every stereotypical forest, I could see eyes in it. But, *unlike* every stereotypical forest, I knew that they were actually Vesents, seeking refuge on Veseletra. The world where it either helped you uncover your Dark Side, or just bury your lighter side under the darkness. Which was why it was such a horrible planet. I stopped, inhaling deeply, and coughed at the atmosphere, trying to make my respiratory bypass system work with this new air. Uurgh. Carbon monoxide. I was so *glad * that I didn't bring Amy and Rory, it would have killed them instantly. Starting to breathe easily, I stumbled off again.  
"Urgh, my opinion on this world is becoming more and more negative as the day goes by!" I looked at my watch, remembering that the residents slept in the day and woke up at night. And, as it had a climate and atmosphere like a British city in the middle of winter, the days were a lot shorter than the nights. Like a British winter, constantly. But, fortunately, the residents are quite positive, as, like the Brits, have got used to, and adapted to their surroundings. Quite well, as well, I might add. I gave a sudden shiver and pulled my jacket more tightly around myself. It was cold here. The polluted air added to the warm-feeling of Britain in winter, but didn't really make me want to do what I was going to do. Stay here.  
"The sooner I get where I need to go, the better. No more looking at the disgusting scenery, I mean, I don't usually judge planets based on their appearance, but it feels like I've gone back to the Industrial Revolution of the 1800s. And, as far as I know, I'm still in 2012." I cried out, looking at the dark, cloudy sky. It seemed to rumble in answer, probably thinking about raining out acid rain if the annoying little alien carried on insulting it.  
"Don't rain on me, please, sky, I'll behave." If you can call it a sky. The atmosphere is so thick (unlike usual carbon monoxide, I might add) that there are no stars bright enough to shine through it, so there is no sun (what had happened, I realised later, was that the thick polluted atmosphere had blocked the sun. The sun, trying to shine through, had created the carbon monoxide by burning the atmosphere). *I* was the brightest thing for miles around, and it was making me begin to show my cruel and sarcastic side. I closed my eyes, relying on my subconscious mind again, vowing not to open them again until I'd reached the destination, or if I lost my footing on the rocky terrain. I heard muttering behind me, as I stumbled around blindly and seemingly aimlessly to my destination. But I had a map in my subconscious, like I'd somehow been here before, knowing where I was going: the first time was with Rose Tyler; despite how I'd just landed, got out, and gone back in again, choking on the gas in the air. Where had it come from? The Mind-Map, or, as I called it, the Subconscious-Sat-Nav? I opened my eyes, wondering where I was going, passing the crap excuses for houses. A few pieces of dark wood and a chimney-type thing, but getting the cold in from outside. I stopped outside a large building, which seemed the main reason for all the pollution in the atmosphere.  
"And Britain is *actually* a planet!" I smirked, knocking on the door of 'Vasantra's Power Point.' A large creature who looked like a human gone wrong, holding a cigar opened it  
"Ah. Hello, Time Lord. Seen sense, now?"  
I pushed past him "Call me by my name and not my species, please, Mr...?"  
He pulled me back by the collar of my jacket, making me look him in the eye "Don't you recognise me? Gosh, Time Lord, you're getting slow."  
I narrowed my eyes, putting my head on one side "Aside from the fact that you were the Veseletrian that convinced me to come here, eventually... No."

* * *

_Ah. I'd met a certain species of the planet. Why did I call it the Subconscious-Sat-Nav? What was going on in my head?_  
'Ignore it. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that you need to accept the darkness, and stop fighting, Time Lord.'  
(Please get out of his head.) The small voice whimpered (Leave him alone.)  
_Oh, do stop fighting with yourself, brain._ I thought, groaning. I looked around. I think He had stopped following me, for now, anyway. Good news. And I knew where I was now. On Veseletra. More good news. Well, Veseletra's a horrible planet, but that didn't matter in the short term. As long as I was alive, sane (ish), and I carried on running, then I'd be fine. And remembered why I was here, as well. Listening to the small voice in my head, again, I carried on trying to remember.

"Why have you agreed to join us, Doctor? You were so *adamantly * against it, before." The creature asked, bringing me into a dark room with cobwebs across it. There was a solitary chair in the room, and he pushed me onto it.  
"Because I know what I am like even without it. It will be easy to make me like you," I bowed my head "And I know that you're right, as well. It's the only realistic option."  
He smiled a ghastly smile "Then let it begin."  
The pain was unbearable, as my mind automatically tried to fight against it, but it slowly died down, as my brain clearly split itself into two, one fighting, one agreeing. I closed my eyes, trying to figure out which was more dominant. The darker and lighter sides of my brain were trying to fight against each other... And one side was winning, but I couldn't figure out which one. As I tried my best to sort this out, I felt like my darker side was smiling down at me, looking like my mirror image, but with darker clothes.  
'Come on. Just relax. Concentrate, why do you need to do this?'  
"Because I've killed so many, I've ended so many lives. There is more darkness in me than light. So it's just easier to give into it, and stop the war going on inside my mind."  
(It may be *easier* to give in, but that doesn't mean that it's the better option.)  
'Ah, you try to stop me. You're growing weaker and weaker, and soon there will be no protection to the Earth from anyone who wants to take it or destroy it. Come on, old man, you're tired. Just give in.'  
I couldn't. The lighter side, I realised was still more dominant.  
"I- I can't give in i- if the other side i- is too dominant," I managed to stutter out "I- it's too difficult if it wo..." I winced, as a migraine began to spread across my head. I heard noises from outside the room. "Wait, what's that?" I asked. The two sides of my brain crushed back into one, as I looked up, noticing a woman coming towards the door, surrounded by two guards. "Let her go, please." I murmured, as she was pulled into the room, and then thrown roughly onto the floor "I said let her go, *please*!"  
"We have let her go, Time Lord," they sneered. I glared at them, pulled myself from the chair, and helped River up  
"It's alright, darling. They won't do that again, as long as I'm here." I whispered into her curly hair.  
She lightly twisted out of my grip "Where are we, sweetie? What are you doing here, and *why* are we here?"  
"I know why I'm here, but I don't know why you are."  
River sighed "I went to my parents' house, and Mum was crying over the fact that you left them. I copied your co-ordinates, because I was worried, this isn't like you. Why did you leave them, sweetie?"  
It was my turn to sigh "Err... River. After we went to Mercy, I told you about that, remember?"  
She nodded, but looked confused "Why...?"  
"I've been getting a lot worse, so I thought it would be best to... Give up. Give in to my darkness."  
"You can't do this, sweetie! It's the worst idea! You are one of the most powerful creatures in the universe! You'll destroy *yourself* and the whole universe! Don't choose to let the darkness take over! Why are you doing this?"  
I kissed her then, the last kiss I'd ever give her "Because if I don't, they will..."

* * *

My memory stopped suddenly, as had both sides of my mind. I noticed Him, staring at me, and I stopped. The sudden rush of air was such a shock that I blacked out.


	3. Chapter 3

My eyes flickered open, not knowing where I was, but my mind had calmed down. I couldn't feel the darkness, or the lightness, just my usual self. I closed my eyes again, as I realised what I'd just seen, and concentrated on the memory. Why hadn't I listened to my wife's words? She was right, and it made sense. The Veseletrian said that I'd been adamantly against it before. What had changed to make me agree with it? I dug into my mind, trying to remember *why*. I don't give up easily, so either I'd done something, which seemed the more obvious option, or I'd been threatened, and they told me either to let my Darker Self take charge: and be in their command, it seemed, or they'd go ahead with the threat. That seemed more realistic. What threat, though? My amnesia was starting to piss me off. Which was the correct option? Why was I amnesiac? Why was I running? With everything I recalled, I realised, I forgot more about the current situation. Everything I remembered about the past, I forgot about the present. I was sure, before that my brain was clearly split into light and dark. Now, I wasn't too sure. I hit my forehead in frustration: the other thing this planet did was confuse you between what was right or wrong. Which seemed exactly what it had done with me. My sense of morale had gone from my conscious mind. And I couldn't trust my subconscious. I breathed in deeply, trying to keep myself together.  
"Doctor?"  
I turned my head at the mention of my name, sitting up. A woman with curly hair was looking at me, half-worriedly, half-delightedly. My mind went blank. I knew who she was, and I knew her name, somewhere inside me, but I couldn't remember her. My amnesia was getting worse, just as I thought it was getting better.  
"Come on, Doctor, she was in that memory! Try and remember!" I sighed, giving up, and just looked at her "I'm sorry, but if I know you, I've got amnesia, and I can't remember who you are, but if I don't know you, which is unlikely, judging from the fact that you knew my name, then it's nice to meet you."  
"Oh, Doctor. What *have* they done to you?"  
I shrugged "That's kind of the problem!"  
She gave a brief smile: smiles, good or bad? "You need to remember, sweetie. What happened in the TARDIS with Amy and Rory? Do you remember Amy and Rory, my love?"  
I hesitated, trying to look through my messed-up memory, and see if their names appeared. Yes. In *that* memory. Oh! Why I was here in the first place! They were in the TARDIS at that time. I closed my eyes and lay down again, as the woman tried to sort out my messed up hair.

My breathing became more ragged as I looked around the TARDIS. Not completely thinking, I opened up the console, and started pulling pieces out of it. The wires and the pieces of metal almost covered me, as I continued doing so. I stopped for a minute, realising exactly what I'd done, and burst into tears. Amy, who had gone looking for me, joined me in the control room  
"Doctor, what are you doing?" she asked, looking worried. I turned to her, and ran off towards the library, attempting to search the books for anything that could have spurred this odd behaviour. Rory joined her, looking at me oddly as I ran past "He's acting really strange today, isn't he?"  
Amy hesitated, but then nodded "I know what you mean. Could be a side-effect of what was happening before."  
"But I thought the drugs had cured it?"  
"Clearly not," Rory replied, as I ran back into the room, holding a book, and reading it, I tried to put the TARDIS back together.  
"What?" I asked, realising they were both staring at me "Is there a problem?"  
Amy put her hand on my shoulder, and I pulled away aggressively. She looked hurt "What's the matter? Why did you mess up the TARDIS?"  
"That's for me to know, and you to go 'why the hell are you doing that?'"  
"Doctor... You're acting all... Schizophrenic, and I'm worr-"  
"Why? There is no need! Now please piss off and leave me alone!" I responded fiercely. They just stood there, looking blank "If you don't mind!" They left, and I continued hitting the TARDIS viciously.

* * *

Wait, this wasn't like me. _Why did I do that? What had provoked it? Come on, *think*. *Think*, Doctor, you're clever. Cleverer than everyone on this planet. Right and wrong, that's easy to remember! _I told myself. That was a half memory, I swear it was. It felt incomplete._  
_'Yes, keep telling yourself that. Keep believing in it.'  
It was back, it seemed.  
_No. Please go away. I *can* fight you. I *am* strong enough. I will fight you...  
_'But you can't say that you will win. Doctor, you are fighting a losing battle.'  
I looked at the woman next to me "Are you human? Are you going to die due to carbon monoxide poisoning?"  
She kissed my forehead "That's a risk I'm willing to take, sweetie. Plus, we're stuck here. How did you get here?"  
I shrugged "Woke up here, I was running from... Something. I can't remember what. My God, I *hate* amnesia!"  
She gave me a weak smile "Everyone does, sweetie, everyone does."  
Why was that repetition so *necessary*? "Amy and Rory were quick to leave me because I kept on being all… quick-tempered."  
"You are usually, my love."  
"Yes, but more than usual. For some reason I smashed up the TARDIS. And then burst into tears over it," I wasn't going to tell her about Amy and Rory "But it wasn't like my usual memories, I saw myself doing it instead of re-acting it out, and seeing it all over again. This one was… weird. Why did it do that?"  
She looked at me worriedly "I *think* someone has been trying to edit your memories. Confuse you. Have you suffered any other confusion recently, my love?"  
I sighed deeply, closing my eyes "I don't know the difference between right and wrong. Good and bad. What triggers positive and negative emotions. My sense of morale has vanished. Question, is smiling good or bad? And is good the same as right and the same as positive emotions? It's just that I'm a little confused…"  
The woman looked at me pityingly, and hugged me "Being loved, a positive emotion. Smiling, good, which is positive. Wrong is bad. Triggering negative emotions. I'm *so* sorry as to what has happened to you, sweetie. Remorse, good. Usually what remorse is felt for is bad. Unfortunately, there are exceptions. *Never* meet a human if you are confused between right and wrong!"  
"Are *you* a human?" I asked, bringing up the previous query as to whether she could actually survive on this planet.  
"Yes and no. But that information is not necessary at the moment. You need to remember the differences between right and wrong, why you are here, why you did all that, why you are forgetting everything, what is making you forget… And how to fight it."  
"Good luck with that," I muttered under my breath. I raised my voice again "So I need to figure all of that out? With your help?"  
"I would, sweetie, I would," Again with the repeating "But I need to go and help Amy and Rory. My parents," She rolled up her sleeve showing a brown leather wrist strap. She pressed a couple of buttons and vanished from sight in a white light, so bright it made me shield my eyes. Pushing myself up from the ground, I looked around slowly, and produced the sonic screwdriver, opening the lock on the door.  
"*Oh*, it's a prison… type… thing," I realised, looking around "Which is why I was in that room. Unconscious for half of it, except the memory flash backs. No. *Think*. *Listen* to what that woman said, remember the facts that are important. But which facts are the important ones?" I slammed my hand against one of the walls along the corridor "I *hate* amnesia!"  
"Hello?"  
I turned suddenly at the voice, looking down the dark corridor  
"Hello? Please can you help me?"  
I started in shock, but part of my mind murmured 'Go towards her.'  
I helplessly obeyed, wondering what it was planning, and started walking towards the end of the corridor, taking ragged breaths, hoping that the child would be scared away.  
"*Please*?"  
"Hello? Who are you? Are you alright?" I asked, worriedly, looking for the pleading child. I'd stopped the ragged breaths by now; if I had a child with me, she could help me figure out the differences between right and wrong (which was beginning to annoy me).  
"I'm here. Help me, please." Her voice reminded me of Melody Pond's, so I followed where her voice was coming from.  
'Continue down the corridor. She's right at the end.'  
I continued, until I spotted a door. Sitting inside the room was a young girl with ginger curls. She looked about six or seven, and she was turned away from me. Using the sonic screwdriver, I unlocked the door, and stepped into the dark room. It was littered with rubbish, and there was a discarded gas mask on the floor, making me remember the gas mask zombies with Rose and Jack during World War 2. I approached the child.  
"It's alright, I'm here. What's your name?"  
"Desdemona."  
Desdemona. Girl's name meaning 'of the devil'. And, a character in William Shakespeare's /Othello/ wrongly accused of adultery by her husband, I informed myself. I scanned the girl with my eyes, and walked around to look her in the eye, but she deliberately turned away from me. "What's the matter, Desdemona?"  
"It hurts," the girl replied with her strong American accent "Something happened and it hurts." She turned to look at me; her eyes were as red as blood - the only part that wasn't was her pupil, and half of her clearly originally beautiful face, was half rotted away. I gasped  
"Are you alright? How can I help you?"  
She looked up at me "Can you kill me? She asked hopefully "Please?"  
I closed my eyes Is that good or bad? Killing? Moral or immoral?  
'That depends. Major philosophical question you've stumbled upon there, Time Lord.'  
I sighed, opening my eyes again "What happened to you?"  
"They tried to make me a Veseletrian. It didn't work. They ended up hurting Chelsea."  
"Chelsea's the girl you're possessing. Your name is Desdemona, and the girl's is Chelsea. You're killing her! Get out of her, now!" Another side of my brain that had been quiet for a while made me say. "You're a demon, who's human transport is slowly being killed by the atmosphere!"  
"I'm keeping her alive!" The other side of my brain died down, and I was made to speak properly  
"What happened to her face?"  
"Adrian tried to exorcise me. Of course it didn't work, but he then sprayed holy water on my face. That's what happens when you put holy water on a demon. Now please kill me. It's what Chelsea wants." She looked up at me innocently.  
"I'm sorry, but I'm having a little bit of trouble with my sense of morale at the moment. I don't know what you're telling me to do is moral or immoral. So, I'm sorry, Desdemona." I turned away from her and walked off.  
'What're you doing? Get back in there and *kill her*!'  
_No. I don't know whether killing is right or wrong and I can't exorcise demons. So I'm leaving. Amy was right, I *am* schizophrenic! By the way, who's Adrian?_  
'You're looking at him.'  
I was focussing so much on the conversation, that I wasn't processing where I was walking. Looking up at the last minute, I almost walked into the Veseletrian from earlier, flanked by two larger ones. The other two came around my back "Oh shit - hello again."  
"Your amnesia isn't as bad as I thought, Time Lord," he smirked, making me feel small by looking down at me, pityingly "Such a shame." Without a warning, I was grabbed by the two behind me, and stabbed by a small needle in my upper arm. "This'll solve it, though. Sweet dreams, Time Lord." And darkness fell. Again.


End file.
